Conflict is a reality that frightens many of our contemporaries. Since we don’t know what the outcome will be, we try to avoid it. In doing so, we miss out on all the lessons that a healthy argument can teach us. According to some, union with a loved one should be like a calm and peaceful cruise where no quarrel can disturb the blue sky. Of course, the reality is quite different. But far from being an admission of failure, a disagreement can be a source of growth. We will come back to this in this article.
Conflict, a time to adjust and listen to each other
In a relationship, we want everything to go smoothly. Today, conflict is seen as an extremely negative event. However, it is a sign that something is changing. The relationship is taking a new turn. Allow ourselves to take a side step to change our perspective on this complicated transition. Take a step back to increase our discernment.
Conflict, a photographic revelation, a snapshot that should not be ignored
We live in a society of performance, channel surfing, and youth worship. We are told that it is terrible to make a mistake, that we must quickly move on, that we must always be up to the task, fresh as a daisy, and beautiful as a god. Life shows us that this is impossible. Here, we must learn from our mistakes and accept our flaws. When conflict arises in a couple, it is a sign. This moment of tension reveals something deeper that is seeking to evolve. It is important to experience it as such, to try to get through it without too much damage, but also to learn from it, if not to see it as an opportunity forgrowth. We can agree to listen to what it is trying to tell us. What path for progress does it open up for us ?
Conflict, or when neither partner is willing to back down
A committed relationship does not require either partner to submit to the other. It is a union freely chosen by both partners, a tacit agreement, or better yet, an explicit agreement to move forward together. Living together requires making concessions, and sometimes one spouse naturally makes more than the other. Conflict can allow the one who asserts themselves less to make their voice heard, to set boundaries but also to understand why they remain silent, in order to start again on good terms. It is essential to welcome this dialogue.
Conflict, fruitless opposition, or an opportunity to understand each other better
When an argument breaks out and voices are raised, you can choose to escalate the situation or try to calm things down. It’s not easy! Every couple has its own language and its own way of dealing with moments of tension. However, it is possible to agree on certain rules of the “game.” When you have been together for some time, you have often confided in each other. Each of you knows a little better what can hurt the other. However, we are not always aware of the deep-seated causes of our annoyances and exasperations, of the raw sensitivities that the other person will awaken. What if we learned to make the best of this situation ?
Arguing well is something you can learn, so why not learn how to stop hurting each other (or hurt each other less)
It may seem surprising, but you can actually learn to manage conflict with kindness and respect and use it to move forward together.
The first thing to consider is the importance we attach to conflicts and their consequences. If we immediately think that conflict is a disaster and will destroy the relationship, it will be very difficult to respond appropriately. If, on the contrary, we can see a conflictual situation as an opportunity to take a step forward together, many things become possible. During an argument, we may be tempted to use words that we know will hurt the other person. The urge to gain the upper hand is sometimes very strong, and we may want to win the argument at all costs. The words we say at that moment can have devastating effects and remain ingrained, even years later. If we prefer to remain silent so as not to exacerbate the conflict, the consequences can be just as harmful, because we are not moving forward. So, what should we do ?
Learning to talk to each other
When trying to change a situation that seems stuck, it is important to break out of the cycle of recriminations. The goal is to express your feelings, limits, and needs as calmly and firmly as possible. But it is also essential to choose to listen to the other person, to give them importance and consideration. This creates the right climate for working together to find the best way to resolve the conflict and move forward together. One method has proven effective in helping people communicate in a peaceful manner. This method has many applications, but it has proven to be particularly effective in supporting communication between spouses, which was the starting point for its development.
A method for learning to communicate better: the Imago method
The Imago method aims to help couples talk to each other when conflict arises. It’s about discussing things, not hurling insults or accusations at each other. When a safe environment for discussion is established, resentment diminishes. It becomes possible to use the conflict to find a better way of working together. The Imago method is not a magic formula that will make conflict disappear. It simply helps to ease tensions and turn the crisis to your advantage. This communication technique is also useful outside of times of crisis, as it creates an atmosphere conducive to more in-depth discussion. A time for the couple, a heart-to-heart, to better discern one’s own desires and inner feelings, identify one’s needs, and also connect with one’s partner‘s needs. This moment is quality time that we give to each other by carefully cutting ourselves off from all outside interference.
The essentials in a nutshell
What matters is how each person perceives conflict within the couple. Desperately trying to impose your point of view is doomed to failure. On the contrary, opening your heart and engaging in genuine discussion with your partner paves the way for growth, which is beneficial for the couple. We must be willing to change our perspective in order to discover the true nature of the couple.
- Co-elective couples grow through shared joys and well-managed conflicts
- Co-elective couples and conflict: a tool for adjustment
- Learning to communicate better for harmonious growth as a couple
These are the different aspects discussed by Sylvie Barth in her book, “Le développement durable du couple” (The Sustainable Development of Couples). An invitation to continue the journey !
What do you think ? Share your comments below.
Article written by :
L’Encrier de l’Atelier
Freelance Web Editor
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