The « elective couple » : when marriage was primarily a religious matter
Marriage is a social norm
Historically, Roman marriage in its full form, known as “justum matrimonium,” was reserved for the social elite (the gentes). Any misalliance was prohibited. But other legally recognized forms of lasting, less prestigious unions existed for the underprivileged. Furthermore, local marriage customs and traditions persisted in Europe until the 16th century, although wedding ceremonies came to be held in front of churches, then inside them, even so without a unified ritual. Even without being married in the strict sense of the term, it was possible to build a socially recognized family. Priests were thus forbidden to marry from the 12th century onwards. This did not prevent them from building a faithful and fruitful union, like many other baptized people, as they did not take a vow of sexual abstinence, but only committed themselves to abstaining from marriage.
Couples and marriage as a stumbling block
What challenges this state of affairs is the debate between the Reformation and Roman Catholic tradition. On the one hand, Protestants believe that everyone should marry, because it is right and good. On the Catholic side, one made a distinction between those who, in order to devote themselves to God alone, renounce all married life, and those who choose to unite before God. There was no mention of unconsecrated celibacy. The unification of the Catholic marriage rite was accompanied by a strong spiritualization at the end of the Council of Trent in 1563. Church marriage betwenne two batized people became a sacrament that sanctifies them fully. This discredited all unions deemed to be “non-marital” in the eyes of society, which were contemptuously referred to as “concubinage.” This normalization took place in the historical context of the Wars of the Religions. This led to intense tensions in regions that remained Catholic, because in order to be recognized as married, it was now necessary to undergo the Eucharist and Catholic catechism, whether one was Protestant, Jewish, or agnostic. Furthermore, in the 18th century, bourgeois families brought parents and children together in the same home, where the parents’ bedroom was separated from the spaces dedicated to children and servants. People no longer lived crammed together, with all generations and social classes mixed together. This was a step towards achieving social autonomy and intimacy for couples.
Couples are breaking free from institutional marriage and choosing each other freely
Couples, from the Napoleonic Code to the rejection of the norm
All of this is promoting the emergence of civil marriage. It is this form of union that will prevail throughout Europe, even in communist countries. But the Napoleonic Code is more patriarchal than any other form of union. It allows the state to marry citizens but offers no spiritual support. Admittedly, from the beginning of the 20th century, love marriages became widespread in the West. However, while the choice of spouse was free, and the early years could be marked by a romantic union, the obligation to stay together no matter what the cost was particularly burdensome for wives, whose duty was to look after their children at home. This prevented couples from investing in their relationship, exempting them from having to choose each other again over time. The last fifty years have been marked by a growing rejection of marriage, which is perceived as a political and administrative norm.
Women’s emancipation: an opportunity for elective couples and lasting love
As women have gradually become more emancipated and are now free to leave, both women and men can freely choose whether or not to form relationship, either long-term or not. Nowadays, spouses choose each other for love. They want to be free and equal in rights and in their ability to make joint decisions about everything concerning their relationship. As a result, life as a couple carries with it fundamental expectations. People want to become their true selves and achieve a balance between self-fulfillment, whether or not through a career, and family life. They also want to experience authentic and deep relationships.
The elective couple, a new but beautiful idea
The chosen couple, an opportunity for growth
The elective couple is new in that everything must be reinvented in order to live an ideal that is no longer patriarchal. Patterns of dependence and syrupy romances are also outdated because we are now living in the real world. A new path is opening up for all those who aspire to relationships and a shared project based on chosen love and a daily commitment to each other. The elective couple is like a planet in the making. It is farmland that must be nurtured and cared for tirelessly in order to reap its rewards. This care for the couple and for each other gives a powerful sense of personal fulfillment. A person reveals themselves to themselves through the care they lavish on the unique being they have chosen to love above all others. However, while we learn to shift our focus away from ourselves, we also learn to receive from the other. Our spouse offers tenderness and support, pleasure, but also, sometimes, questioning challenges that help us mature by inviting us to be humble.
The elective couple or the embryonic nucleus of the family-to-be
Today, not all couples necessarily feel the need to formalize their union. But whether they are married or not, of different sexes or not, they choose to walk the path of life together. There is often room in an elective couple for plans to have children. This project is shared by both parents, and they choose together when and how to bring it to fruition. If one of the partners refuses, the couple may separate. In this case, another couple may form, and a new project to have children may then arise from another union. This is especially true if one of the partners in the new couple is not yet a parent.
The essentials in a nutshell
As we see in this article, the couple is initially the union of two people through which a group is perpetuated, or even a legacy is passed on, thus organizing a society. Marriage, on the other hand, is a norm that is becoming increasingly standardized in Europe.
Gradually and belatedly, the chosen couple is emerging. This is how it happens:
- Marriage was initially a matter for the social group
- Greco-Roman marriage was linked to social status
- Religious marriage imposed on everyone became a stumbling block
- Couples gradually emancipated themselves from institutional marriage and chose each other freely
- Couples gained autonomy, from the Napoleonic Code to the rejection of social norms
- The emancipation of women gave elective couples and lasting love a chance, as the basis and cement of the union
- The elective couple, a new but beautiful idea
- The chosen couple became an opportunity for growth, both individually and as a couple
- Elective couples remain the core of the family in the making, but not always
Respect for women plays a major role in the birth of elective couples and their development. How can we imagine a social structure where spouses are partners in a patriarchal world that denies women equal status with men? To continue this reflection, we encourage you to read Sylvie Barth’s book, a reference on the subject: “Le développement durable du couple” (The Sustainable Development of the Couple). She is an author, lecturer, radio presenter, and relationship expert.
Article written by :
L’Encrier de l’Atelier
Freelance Web Editor
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